Dancing With My Angel

I read a page from a book, title unknown, that was posted yesterday in a group that I belong to on Facebook, and it really resonated with how I’m coming to understand life and death. I am going to quote each paragraph of the page, beginning with a quote by Frederick Buechner, and respond with my personal experience as it relates to knowing Blake, from the Otherside, and knowing myself in the before and after.

“Dead and gone though they may be, as we come to understand them in new ways, it is as though they come to understand us – and through them we come to understand ourselves – in new ways, too.”

Frederick Buechner

Growing up, I was exposed to religious beliefs that were harsh, instilling fear and finality. I turned my back to those beliefs on the day I graduated from high school, leaving my home and losing most of my support system. While I physically walked away, the impact of the exposure stayed with me and still impacts me to this day, although I can say that it does not control my thoughts or behaviors as it once did. In my upbringing, this quote would have been considered ridiculous. In fact, it would not have even been considered. Dead was dead. The end. Well, until the Second Coming, but that’s not what this is about.

That mostly stuck. I have lost some people throughout my life. I lost my maternal grandmother when Blake was a baby, but we were not particularly close due to my mother’s abandonment of me. We lost Thom’s mother to cancer when I was 9 weeks pregnant with Lucas. I lost an older friend who worked down the hall from me, who came to watch out for me. I lost my paternal grandparents, my grandpa to heart failure and later my grandma, after a long battle with Alzheimers. I lost my brother to addiction. All of these deaths were somewhat understandable. Most of them occurred after a life well lived. I experienced some sadness, but I didn’t question what happened to them or look for them after the loss.

Losing a child is different. The pain can sometimes be excruciating; there is guilt; there is questioning; there is sorrow, for what is gone and what will never be. For me there is also an awakening and a new sense of being present. I understand a depth of duality in my own human existence that I’ve never been truly aware of. I’ve read about the soul and the ego and listened to podcasts on those topics, but because of Blake’s travel to the Otherside, my understanding is evolving.

“This delicate dance with the souls of the dead is something we don’t begin to understand right away. We think the immediate relationship is ended, though we know we will continue to remember, and to grieve.”

This takes me back to the first days, even to the days sitting at Blake’s bedside in the hospital. I felt the absence of Blake’s soul before he was declared dead. Those machines could not prevent his soul’s departure. The night before he left, I invited him to visit from the Otherside. I believed it was possible. I had to. But I didn’t know. Those two words that he said during our last conversation, that are tattooed around my wrist with infinity signs separating them, ‘faith’ and ‘love’ have proven constant reminders to stay open to the possibility. And I’m learning, because he’s teaching me, showing me, that it’s not just a possibility.

I don’t remember the sequence, but I believe I know, or rather, my soul knows. Sometime during Blake’s hospital stay, I’ll venture to say it was after his soul departed, I started receiving inspirational quotes from an app called ‘Shine.’ I don’t recall subscribing to this app, and I had never before received these motivations. I thought it was odd, and even considered if Blake might be sending me messages. These messages continued, consistently for awhile. I still receive them on occasion, but not like during those first days and months. Here’s a screenshot of one of the messages:

“But as we dwell in memory on our experiences with the one who is physically gone, his or her psychic presence, rather than being confined to the the body we knew and loved, seems somehow to expand and surround us with its gentle understanding, its compassion and love.”

I snapped the screenshot above after I accepted that these messages were intended for me, after birds visited, seeming to hang out, and after seeing his orb dance in the moonlight. His psychic presence is astounding, expanding my understanding and experience of unconditional love, cracking open my sense of the reality of what is, and filling it with magick. I get to experience the purity of him, the unblemished, unscarred him, the him that has no fear – only love and joy.

In experiencing him this way, I’m understanding that this exists in me too, that this is my soul, that my soul knows, truly knows. There are things that Blake said before he left that indicated a knowing. I believe he said these things intuitively. He acted on the message he received from his soul, with or without intention.

Because of him, I want to be more in touch with myself – not the self that is deluged and corrupted with information that keeps me distracted and confused, but the self that knows already, the self that sees beauty and love and that just is. It really is amazing, isn’t it?

“So we enter upon different kinds of conversations, often exchanges without words. We seem to arrive at a mutual understanding and appreciation for the goodness and the difficulty we were in each other’s life. We’re able to smile benevolently at all that flurry and to relish, instead, this deep love and peace.”

I think about him and feel him everyday. I’m listening better now, to this angel child of mine, than I likely ever did when he was my earth child. I listen to my intuition, my knowing. Just last night, I put on the movie Finding Forrester, a movie I’ve been thinking about for some time, since before Sean Connery’s passing. I’ve watched this movie numerous times. I scrolled through all the movies and thought about instead watching one of the Christmas movies, since we just decorated our tree. I told myself, soul to brain, ‘No, there’s some reason I’ve been thinking about this movie. This is the one I’m supposed to watch.’ And I watched through a new lens, and listened, and heard. I know I watched this movie with Blake, when he was here and last night. He told me this:

There was deep love between Blake and I here, unconditional love as I then understood it. I know he has peace now, and for that I’m grateful. I do wish he could have found it here. I think that William Forrester, through his friendship with Jamal, found peace after experiencing the consequences of anguish from losing his brother. I think Blake wants me to be tuned in to his brother, to help him in whatever way I can, to have peace from the loss of him.

Any difficulty that Blake brought to my life was through the disease that afflicted his mind. His soul though, overshadowed at times by addiction, remained out of its reach.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be at true peace with Blake’s departure. The idea of that is incomprehensible. I am, however, grateful to feel the gentle and beautiful rhythm of the earth mom and angel child dance.