View From a Swing

A meeting in Klamath Falls on Thursday took me past Collier State Park on Highway 97. On my way home, I stopped and reminisced. Blake and I shared a tender moment at this park toward the end of February, 2013.

When Blake was suddenly discharged from Best Care Residential Treatment, because he drank alcohol he had hidden while on a home visit, we had to find another treatment facility for him. He had been accepted into the mental health court, and successful completion of treatment was a requirement for him to stay in the program which would eventually lead to dismissal of pending criminal charges. His case manager was able to secure placement for him at Transformations in Klamath Falls for 60 days of treatment..

Blake was getting healthy at this facility. He wasn’t fond of the area, but the program seemed to be working for him, and he seemed to be putting in solid effort. He spent his 22nd birthday there. Thom and I visited a couple of times, but the 2-hour drive made more frequent visits impossible, especially because of winter driving conditions.

One day at the end of February, after he had completed over 45 days of treatment, I got a call from Blake. He told me that he left the facility without permission and asked me to come and get him. I told him that he needed to go back, but he told me that his leaving meant that he could not just return, and that some stuff had gone down and he was being blamed. He didn’t elaborate much.

Wanting to get more information, I called Transformations. I was told that indeed Blake could not just return. He would have to wait 30 days before he could be re-admitted. I was also advised to leave him on the streets of Klamath Falls, a town he did not know, with no resources, and let him figure it out. I could not believe this advice! With options extremely limited, and only the clothes on his back, the disease of addiction, and a suicide attempt just four months earlier, I was not about to listen to this person on the phone. I was seeing a lack of care and compassion from a supposed caregiver. I got in my car and went to get Blake.

I called Blake when I got to Klamath Falls. He had found a bar where he met some guys who bought him a couple of drinks and smoked some pot with him. I was unhappy with these choices, but it was not time to address this. After taking him back to Transformations to retrieve his belongings, we started the drive home, and he told me his version of what happened.

A couple of days earlier, Transformations accepted a female patient who was released from jail and court ordered to attend treatment. Blake said that she basically seduced him and they had sex. This was against the rules, and Blake felt guilty about it. He told her that he was going to be honest and talk about the rule violation during group. Before this could happen, she told her counselor that Blake had taken advantage of her. The staff then questioned Blake. His perception was that he was being accused of sexually assaulting this female. He explained that he could not stay there and be treated like that. I supported his decision to leave, especially after my earlier telephone interaction with the employee of Transformations.

About 30 miles outside of Klamath Falls, we stopped at Collier State Park to use the restroom. It was a dreary day, but I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity of having Blake to myself out in nature. He was feeling defeated. I pushed Blake on a swing for a few minutes, and then we walked to a nice spot by the river. I held his hand for awhile, telling him that I was sorry things were so hard, that he would get through this, and that I loved him and would stand by him. It was a heart-felt moment, with tears from both of us.

There were many unknowns, because Blake still had not successfully completed treatment, as required by his participation in mental health court. He ended up giving up on the program, accepting a felony conviction of 2nd degree robbery, which should have been dropped to shoplifting, but he had a public defender. He was just tired of the whole thing and wanted to be done with it.

I want to pause here for a moment to talk about a mother’s intuition. Moms know their children. Some people might fault me for going to get him. Some people might say, ‘addicts lie and manipulate to get what they want.’ I’ve seen this sentiment. It is true that sometimes people who suffer from addiction do lie and manipulate. In this situation, my gut was telling me that he was telling the truth. As moms, we have to make these tough decisions. We have to do what we believe is right. We have to do what we can live with should the unthinkable happen.

This spring, after I attended a meeting in Klamath Falls, I again stopped at Collier State Park. It had been a long time since I spent meaningful time with Blake. I saw him briefly at the end of February, but he had suffered a relapse, so we didn’t spend quality time together. I was missing him terribly and feeling scared. I wanted to feel close to him and whisper words of encouragement to him. I sat by the river that day and sent out wishes for his wellness.

Then last Thursday, I sat on the swing that I pushed Blake on over six years earlier. The tears flowed. I walked the same path to that spot on the river where Blake and I had stood. I talked with him about that day, about how I wish he was still here, about the dead tree along the path, and that how even in its death, it was supporting life, just as he is now, through my telling of his story and our story.

My view from that swing has changed significantly over time. From doing what I needed to do to protect my son, to being fearful of the possibility of the monster stealing his life, to feeling a hole in my heart through the realization of that fear, the being and becoming is marked there.

Some pictures that I took on Thursday…