My Dearest Blaker ~
It’s been so hard for me write to you, to write about you, to write about my journey as I learn to live with you in my heart only. There is never silence, even though there may be no words to be read. I’ve started a number of stories, a number of grief shares, and I walk away, unwilling or unable to complete the process. I wonder why. I wonder if I’m keeping you for myself, if I’m closeting the pain, and then I accept that I don’t need to understand or explain. I’m just feeling the way I’m feeling, and it’s okay.
Today is Mother’s Day, and I want to acknowledge you, because you were the one who made me a mom first. I think I’ve always been a dreamer, but you gave my dreams purpose. You lit the fire in me to bring some of my dreams to reality. You gave me courage to find my way and confidence to walk steadfast in my beliefs as I discovered them. As I looked at the world through your eyes, doors were opened to curiosity and new ways of thinking and seeing. All of the becoming that I did from the moment I knew I was pregnant to the moment I said good-bye, cannot be erased with your physical absence – because you always will exist in my heart. I wish that you could have seen yourself through my eyes the way that I came to see myself through yours. But that was not to be.
I want to share a little bit of some of my journey over the last few months. You know we made it through Christmas and New Year’s, what would have been your 29th Birthday, Easter, and Lucas’s Birthday. You know I took the month of February off to concentrate on healing. During that time, there was quiet chattering about an impending virus, but not something to which I paid much attention. Just over a week before spring break, all Oregon schools were closed until the end of April. Since that time, it has been decided that schools will be closed for the remainder of the school year. And the closures don’t end with schools. There are no haircuts to be had and no going out to eat, although there is take-out with curbside pickup. Many people have been sick, and as of today, nearly 80,000 people, in just the United States, have died from the virus called COVID-19. Also, many, many people have lost their jobs and many will lose their businesses. There are theories, conspiracy theories, blame, shame, chaos and confusion – and fear, probably the biggest reason for all of those other negative outcomes and behaviors.
While the world around me seems to be going mad, I’ve largely enjoyed sinking into a cocoon of sorts. Outside of going to the store and delivering food and school-work to students at my school twice a week, I’ve been staying home – since mid-March. I could have never imagined this in my wildest dreams. First that I would live through a global pandemic, and second that I would be home for this long without needing to feed my deeply engrained wanderlust. But here we are. Sometimes I wonder how this would be impacting you if you were alive today. You were such a sensitive person. I run different scenarios through my head: what if you were in recovery when this started and you and everyone around you lost their jobs, what if you relapsed, what if you got sick, what if, what if, what if. I know I would have wanted to get you home as soon as possible. I know that would have changed the dynamics in our home. If you arrived here in recovery, the stress might have triggered a relapse, and if you arrived in active addiction, I would have been frantically trying to help you find resources. And then I take a breath, and I am grateful that these what ifs are just that and not what is. At first I thought it was strange that I found relief, but so many other mothers of children lost to addiction have expressed the same relief. I got to hold your hand. I got to kiss your forehead, trace your eyebrows, and tell you all about my love for you and my appreciation for you. So many people who currently have sick loved ones, whether hospitalized or separated by distance, cannot physically be with them.
One of the amazing things I’ve been doing during this time is yoga. I’ve always known that it would be good for me, but I’ve always really struggled with the lack of movement, the lack of a fat-burning or cardio heart rate. I felt like, with so little time, I should focus my attention on the health benefits of more physically demanding workouts. So yoga – brought to me through Callie, a woman who I met because she asked to share my physical transformation picture on her social media page in September of 2018. When I looked at her page, I noticed that she taught yoga at a recovery center where you had been a patient. I even talked with you about her. I just don’t think this was a coincidental meeting. Callie and I met in person within just a couple of weeks after your passing, and I really felt a connection. When everyone was forced to stay home, Callie started offering yoga sessions through Facebook Live, and I thought, ‘What the heck!’ I have learned so much over the last couple of months. The biggest thing that I’m learning is that the poses practiced on the mat are just a small part of yoga. A big lightbulb moment for me was something Callie said during one of the early sessions, “What happens on the mat is a reflection of what happens in life.” My understanding of that was that I don’t give myself enough intentional time and patience, because when I’ve done yoga before this, I just wanted it to be done. I arrived with an attitude of ‘Okay, I’m here, let’s get this over-with.’ Now I arrive with intention, and my intention is expanding. It’s not always perfect, and it doesn’t have to be. That’s the big picture, I think.
I want to share this picture that I took the other day. I was on the mat Thursday morning. I was nearing the end of my session with Callie, and we were in this pose where we were sitting with legs crossed and knees stacked. This is a hard pose for me because of my knee issues. I wanted to see myself doing this, so I took my phone and set the timer, and I took some pictures. The next night, I was looking at the pictures and I was playing with the color on this one. I really like it because of its intensity and reverence. I sent it to Callie. Then I was scrolling through Facebook and I came across this meme that my ‘mother from the other sister’ posted. These words spoke to me – clear through to my soul, and I instantly knew that I wanted them on that picture. I think this is my why. Putting these words on this picture was an exercise of affirmation, just in itself. I wrote the first paragraph, changed the font style, added another paragraph, changed the size, only to have the first paragraph disappear. Over and over and over. You get the idea. And I realized and accepted that this was exactly the process I was supposed to have, because these were and are and will be very important words – a very important reminder and affirmation. And the only way I was going to believe these words about myself was to constantly read them, to constantly recite them, to constantly type them, over and over again, until I believe and become – and that means getting on the mat and walking through this life – doing and practicing yoga.
It is Life. It is love. I wrote the other day that being a mom is more about giving life than giving birth. As you know, my biological mother gave birth to me. I am grateful to her for my beating heart. I am blessed to have a couple of other beautiful mothers that filled my heart with life, love. I hope that I was able to do both for you. If the way that you poured love into so many around you is a reflection of my birthing and pouring life and love into you, I think I can say, I did a good job. I am proud of you, each and every day. I know you would tell me Happy Mother’s Day and bring me the most interesting and beautiful flowers if you were here. The orchid that I bought for your birthday is still alive and blooming. I’ve never had one last this long, and I think you have something to do with that. Thank you, thank you, thank you – for everything.
I love you to infinity and beyond!
Your Mama