Overdose – Terrified No More: A Look at Addiction and Loss

August 21, 2020August 23, 2020

Have Faith Mama, I Got You!

My Dearest Blaker:

I know it’s been a minute since I last wrote, but you and I know we talk every single day. I try not to take up too much of your time, because I know that I’m not the only one who needs you or the only one you want to hang out with.

So what’s been happening since Mother’s Day? Wow! Where to even start…. COVID is still a thing, but that’s kind of boring, and a lot of people seem to like to argue about it, so we’ll just skip that conversation. It’s summer. We love summer!!! We haven’t had many lake days this summer, but the days spent at lakes have been beautiful. We’ve been to Crescent Lake and South Twin near home, and we spent a day at Lost Creek Lake and another day at Willow Lake near Eagle Point, Oregon. Lucas and Kristen joined me and Dad at Crater Lake, and I think we’re going to do that annually in remembrance of you near your angelversary. I’ve spent a couple of afternoons by the river at Cline Falls State Park and many many afternoons in the backyard in or near my inflatable pool. Books have accompanied me to all of these places.

I’ve done a lot of introspection, and there have been some authors/teachers, through their books, that have found their way into my heart exactly when I needed them. This grief journey is no joke, but I feel like I’ve grown considerably in my own journey to self actualization. I will say that the time that COVID has allowed me has been a gift for my healing. I’m realizing and accepting that I’ve been holding myself back, that I have not been allowing myself to live to my full capacity, out of some perceived or self-imposed responsibility to invest in others or perhaps out of fear of losing or failing. This is not good or bad. It just is.

In addition to the books, I met with a shaman three weeks ago. Can you believe we worked together for five hours? I think I’m still processing, but she affirmed a lot of what I already knew. This gave me confidence to believe that my feelings are valid. I know they’re valid, but sometimes it’s hard to believe they’re valid. She offered clarity that it is time for me to claim my life. She said that in terms of wisdom, I know a lot, but that I’m not applying it to myself. She said “You have all of this information and all of this knowledge, and if someone sat down in front of you, you’d say blah, blah, blah, blah. Apply what you know and what you believe and your intuition to you, to your current situation.” I can feel that you agree.

So much of what she said aligns with the literature I’ve been reading. I could and probably should do a complete annotation of Seane Corn’s book Revolution of the Soul. Reading it with a highlighter in hand was good, but I need to digest each morsel of wisdom. I related to her description of being “scared for the wounded little girl in me. Because of my fears, . . . I couldn’t truly serve them.” She was speaking of youth she was serving in a detention facility. When I look through that wounded little girl lens, I see things as I am, not as they truly are. She quotes Carl Jung, who said, “The best political, social, and spiritual work we can do is withdraw the projections of our shadow onto others.” I know that I have developed resilience, but I acknowledge the wounded little girl, and I think her existence is okay, because without her, I would not be who I am today. And today, I am not her. This is what the shaman said:

You literally have to become someone else with no diagnosis, no illness, abuse, trauma or neglect. You have to release the programs of trauma and sickness, and the back story and the personality that goes with it otherwise the future will just look like and become a record of the past that progresses in severity.

We don’t say this to be dismissive of Blake or your past in any way. It’s not about erasing or forgetting but rather allowing yourself to build a new identity without them because they are no longer present and you cannot pretend to be your old self when so much of your personality, habits, beliefs and actions were linked with them. Now that Blake is gone you have no idea who and what you are without his presence and all that you said or did to keep him alive and yourself sane while he engaged in his self destructive behaviors. [Self destructive behaviors are an outcome of Substance Use Disorder.] It’s not just Blake that is gone but also the personality you adopted to cope with his life.

I’m sure you know these things. I know you did not want to burden (your word) me with your problems because you loved me, and you knew that it would hurt me. Perhaps you also didn’t want me to see you as broken – maybe the way I saw myself.

It’s time for me to break up with the identities of the wounded little girl and the mother that sacrificed herself to keep you alive. Those identities served a purpose but trying to hang on to them traps me and blocks me from my current purpose. I will continue to use my pain as my purpose and the empathy that I’ve gained as a result of my journey because I do know “the ways in which the other person wants to run, hide, sabotage, and resist.” It’s wondrous to me that purpose can come from pain, that living life on purpose is dharma, or the soul’s work. Seane quotes Deepak Chopra as he describes dharma as “the ecstasy and exultation of our own spirit, which is the ultimate goal of all goals.”

I intentionally trudge through the muck giving myself grace and patience. I show up for myself and reach for nourishment. I’m opening myself to possibility. The work that I’ve done with youth has allowed me to heal the wounded little girl. She remains as a scar, a beautiful badge of courage, a reminder that I can do hard things. And let me share what else the shaman told me:

Life is just not the same without Blake and you don’t know how to be the self you recognize. The version of you that was so driven to help youth included Blake from the beginning. That teacher, healer, counselor and motivational speaker persona was all wrapped up in Blake. His presence motivated you to change your life so that his life would be better than yours. You both had rough childhoods through no fault of your own. You both made choices that would have led to self destruction. Blake’s conception and your commitment to keep him was a catalyst for change for you. His life changed your momentum and inspired you to change your thoughts, habits and beliefs so that he would not have to suffer the same fate. He was your inspiration and motivation that led you to working with youth with trauma. You were drifting, but all that changed when he came into the world. He was intrinsically tied to your life purpose and now that he is gone you have to ask yourself if your purpose has changed.

Remember when you told me that if something happened to you that it would not be anyone’s fault? I told you that if something happened to you that it would change me in a way that I could not know. But I knew in my gut, as I spoke those words to you. I knew that it just might change the way that I am able to show up for youth. And I was right. I went back to school last fall. I went through the motions, but my head wasn’t in it, even more, my heart wasn’t. I had a complete lack of initiative. I would get upset with myself for not being emotionally and mentally present, for not being committed, for running short on patience.

I ran the tape in my head, ‘this is what I’ve spent my life doing,’ ‘this is what I went to school to do,’ ‘I’ve invested my life in this,’ ‘I have 5 more years to have 25 years in the PERS system,’ ‘I need to stay in public service because of student loans,’ ‘It’s just grief, it will get better.’ All these things, and not one time was it, ‘I love what I’m doing, and I’m going to continue.’

I wondered if Seane Corn was advising me to stay, to lean in, when I read, “So serve where you are called. Serve in a way that is sustainable. Be open to what presents itself. Service may look completely different from how you thought it would look. Serve anyway. Just give of yourself in benefit to the happiness, good will, safety, abundance, and ease of others . . . and watch your own heart open in unimaginable ways.”

I kept this in mind as I was confronted with a recurring question in her book and in “Signs, The Secret Language of the Universe by Laura Lynne Jackson and “Finding Inner Courage” by Mark Nepo. I applied the question to making a decision about going back to school this fall. I asked myself, “Are you making this decision out of fear or for love?” All of the authors counseled that all decisions should be made for love.

Laura Lynne Jackson told a story about a woman named Amy who was unexpectedly pregnant. Her story reminded me of myself so much. Laura is a psychic medium and she met Amy for a reading. She told her, “You have to make the choice, but you have to make the choice independently of your boyfriend. The baby is linked to you. If your boyfriend steps up, great, but if he doesn’t you need to understand this is not about him, it’s about you and the baby. It’s about how your souls are connected.” Wow! Right? This gave me goosebumps. She said, “Amy needed to ask herself what was motivating her choice. If it was fear, it would always lead her down a lower path. But if she followed a path of love, she would find her highest path.”

Mark Nepo starts a chapter entitled “Loving What You Fear” with an except from one of his poems:

Go outside and let the sun spill into your heart.

There. Can you feel it? It’s the quiver of your soul.

It makes you vulnerable but it will never betray you.

Now you and I know that I have no fear of the sun. In fact my doctor just advised me on the proper use of zinc based sun protection. I interpret this as being open, not doing something out of fear of not doing it, but doing it because it exhilarates me – makes me feel alive. Sure, it might be scary, but stay in that space. I labored over the question of fear versus love, and in the meantime, I kept my eyes open for different career opportunities. I applied to a couple and didn’t hear anything. I emailed our local district attorney, as I felt like I could be of value to a law office, serving as a paralegal and possible resource for those struggling with substance use disorder. I was on the right path.

The following week, actually it was the day that I had the meeting with the shaman, I submitted my resume, cover letter, and references to a law office looking for both a receptionist and paralegal. I told them that I was seeking a career change back to the field of law. I explained that I’ve spent the last 20 years working in roles supporting education. Almost two weeks went by. I nearly forgot about this, and the clock was ticking, with just a little over a week until I was to report back to school for the 2020-2021 school year.

Last Thursday night, I was about at my wits’ end. I had so many ideas for how to go forward, and nothing seemed to be working out. I had just finished reading “Signs.” Laura said, “You can ask for help too.” So I said, “Blake, I really need some help right now. I don’t even know what I’m asking for, but I need your help. Please help me.” I went to bed and you came to me in a dream. I don’t have a vivid memory of the dream, but I know you were in it. When I woke up, I felt calm. Two hours later, I got a call from the office manager of the law firm, and we talked for fifteen minutes just setting up the interview, which was set for the following Monday.

This week, on Monday afternoon, I had an awesome interview with the Office Manager and and the Client Relations Manager. By the end of the day, my second interview was scheduled for Thursday, yesterday. It was the best interview I’ve ever had. Everything just clicked, the desire for empathy, resilience, respect, being a community asset, work-life balance, self care – everything. I was so happy when I sat down for the interview in front of my computer. I was only slightly nervous. I felt confident and excited. By the end, I could not stop smiling. Just over an hour after the interview, an Offer of Employment for the role of Family Law Paralegal landed in my email. The feeling? Complete exhilaration! I could not sit down. Tears filled my eyes.

I’ve thanked you out loud, and I heard you, “Have faith mama, I got you!” Thank you my dear angel. I’m learning how this works, how we get to have this healthy relationship, how the love will never die. I do not like being unable to hug you and being unable to hear your voice (outside of recordings), but I know you’re safe and healthy, and we still have each other, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. I’m also grateful that I’m gaining the courage to grow in the grief, and that I get to take you with me.

I love you to infinity and beyond!

Your Mama

May 24, 2020May 24, 2020

The Question of Getting What You Give, of Reaping What You Sow, aka Karma

Sitting on my father’s knee prior to my fourth birthday, I told him that if he kept living his life as he was, he would get curses. Of course I don’t have a memory of this conversation, but I have heard the story proudly recited over and over throughout my life, as if my young self was capable of connecting the dots between ‘bad’ behavior and negative outcomes, or that I was some messenger delivering a sacred warning. It is far more likely that I was repeating what I had heard spoken in hushed voices. It could have even come from the children’s bible stories that my grandpa read to me each night, or the discipline that came about as a result of my own infractions. It was probably a combination of all of these things. The point is, I learned early that if you do ‘bad’ stuff, then bad stuff happens to you.

I carried this forward in my own parenting – planting, watering, and fertilizing the creed that “You get what you give.” I do believe there is a certain amount of truth to this principle, but I do not believe it is absolute, or that it exists in a vacuum. Is there a measurement of ‘bad’ that produces negative outcomes, like a behavior chart in a classroom? You do x and your name goes on the board, y and you lose your recess, z and you get a phone call home? Life is not that simple.

This whole concept became an obstacle for me when Blake passed away. Combined with the triggered grief over my biological mother’s abandonment of my toddler self, I carried the burden that I somehow brought these events on myself. A few months ago, I cried out, “What in the hell could I have actually done to bring these painful events, this incredible suffering, on myself!?! Am I such a horrible person, either in this life or some previous life, that I deserve to endure this pain?” These thoughts played over and over in my head. When I finally said them out loud, my husband just looked at me, astounded. He reassured me that my actions had nothing to do with these events.

As we talked, or processed out loud together, I came to the conclusion that the idea that I could even have such power to cause events like this is a narcissistic-like thought process. While we are all connected, and actions have ripple effects, my actions did not directly cause my mother to turn her back on me or my son to become addicted and to suffer a fatal overdose. Living in a society that promotes individualism infers a sense of responsibility when something good, or bad, happens, like we somehow bought the ticket for the outcome we are experiencing. Rather than it being solely my actions or carelessness, these specific outcomes are more likely the result of decisions, deeds and misdeeds, and disregard spread over a period of generations throughout society. Sayings like ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’ are grossly inaccurate and harmful.

I see this whole concept of karma and receiving blessings or tribulations, not only as individual benevolence or immorality, I see it, more than ever, as outcomes of the whole. One person can toss a stone, maybe even a large rock into the water, but when all of society is contributing, the ripple goes further, the splash is bigger, and more people get wet. It doesn’t matter their role. They may have tossed a pebble, a stone, or a rock. They may have stood by watching or just been passing by. They may have had a loved one who was involved in some way.

We are all obligated to ourselves and to each other. We get what we give. We reap what we sow. Does that mean that you can slack, or I can give up because someone else does? Absolutely not. In fact, it means that you and I have to give more, that we have to try harder, that we need to find out why our neighbor is struggling. While we are responsible for ourselves, we are also responsible for each other and for future generations. We teach this by living it. And when something bad happens to us, we suffer the consequences – together – and hopefully we try, with deep conviction, to fix whatever it is that brought us to this place.

December 30, 2019December 30, 2019

My Dearest Blaker

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

We’ve now made it through our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without you. I’d be lying if I said it was easy. Even though we haven’t celebrated holidays together since 2016, you always called, usually during dinner, to wish us some holiday joy. The absence of you brings me deep sorrow, because you brought me much delight.

During the week of Thanksgiving, Dad and I slipped away to Coos Bay to do some crabbing and fishing. Remember that we did the same thing last year? You were supposed to join us, but you decided that you needed to return to treatment. We were disappointed, but we understood and encouraged you to take care of yourself.

Addiction stole so much from you and from us, and has now stolen you permanently, erasing every hope and dream, every possibility. I do not walk this journey alone. There are multitudes of mothers figuring out how to be mothers of angel children taken from them by addiction. In some Facebook support groups, I see new mothers joining daily. The epidemic and the accumulation of pain is immeasurable.

Back to the crabbing/fishing trip….as soon as we got in the boat and left the dock, I retrieved my phone from my coat pocket. I wanted to see if I could find what has come to be your signature green orb. I scanned the waters, and nothing. I figured you must be busy elsewhere. Dad and I enjoyed a few days on the water, and I took lots of pictures. Almost every evening, we returned to our AirBnB, and enjoyed fresh seafood for dinner. It was a very low key trip because I was sick with a cold. We did go out for German food one night, and that was really good. We returned home on Wednesday to share Thanksgiving with Lucas and Kristen. As soon as we got home, I scrolled back through my pictures. Imagine my surprise and gratefulness when I saw your green orb in five of the pictures.

I never saw green orbs before you passed. The first one I saw was shown to me by your friend Greg. It showed up on some pictures that he took at your Celebration of Life. Since then, I’ve seen them fairly often, and I’m always filled with a sense of joy. I’ve done a little research, and this is what I found on Spiritual Unite’s website:

“Many orbs are said to represent beings on the spiritual plane – or spirits, as we might call them. However, most of these spirits will not have lived a human life, instead originating elsewhere in the universe. But the green orb, if it represents a spirit, is very likely to represent a human soul. This could be a deceased loved one if the place in which the orb was seen is a place of significance for that passed spirit. However, it could just as easily be a stranger – the soul of a human whom we have never met.“

I believe it’s you. Dad captured you yesterday with my new camera.

Image may contain: tree, car, sky and outdoor

I really appreciate what you did last Sunday night after I delivered the first gift of the Purple Gift Project to a new friend for her husband. We talked for a couple of hours, sharing openly about how loving someone with a substance use disorder has impacted our lives. As soon as I got in my car to drive home, I called dad and shared about the interaction. I hung up as I entered our neighborhood, and the radio came on, playing “Calling All Angels” by Train. You were heavily on my mind as I sang the lyrics, “I need a sign to let me know you’re here….” As I entered our driveway, I noticed that the digital display, which usually gives the title and artist of the song the radio is playing, simply said, “Love You.” I was confused at first, thinking that’s not the name of this song, and then it hit me. You, my sweet boy, have game on the other side too. I was chuckling as dad came to the car to see if I needed help with anything. I had to show him, and of course, I had to take a picture. When I got in my car the next day, the display still said “Love You,” staying that way through three songs before reverting back to ‘normal.’

About the Purple Gift Project – I wanted to do something for the addiction/recovery community in your honor. I decided that I would put together a bag of things that I would normally put in your stocking and take it to Bend Treatment Center, the clinic where you received your medication when you lived here. When I talked with someone about this, they also wanted to participate. This filled me with such a sense of being seen and honored, and it occurred to me that other people might like to participate. With just a little outreach, I received sponsorships from six people. At 5am on Christmas Eve morning, McKenzie and I delivered a total of seven gift bags to patients of Bend Treatment Center. Some of them shared their stories, and all of them expressed their sympathy for your passing. I am excited to see how this grows and where the Purple Gift Project takes us. The PDF that I created to include in each gift bag was sent to Texas, Maryland, and California. I think it’s time for me to work on starting a non-profit.

This served so many purposes. It helped me get through Christmas, it kept your memory alive, and it helped people who are often intentionally ignored. McKenzie was a great partner, and you’d be proud that she’s doing well. I love being with people that were a part of your life because you can be the center of our conversations, and we can laugh or be sad together. You were and are so loved.

I was unsure if I would be able to find joy this Christmas. As the holidays neared, I didn’t really want to participate. The idea of getting our ornaments out seemed overwhelming. Those boxes full of all of our memories – I thought they would melt me. But, you know what? They didn’t. Of course I had some tears, but getting those ornaments out and placing them on the most beautiful tree that I think we’ve ever had, brought back many special memories. By the way, thank you for leading us right to that perfect tree in our immense forest. We worked as a family to decorate our tree, using nearly every ornament and adding some extra special ornaments in your memory. A counselor of yours also made an ornament in your honor and placed it on the Not One More Angel Tree in Simi Valley. She said that when you were in treatment, she told you she didn’t want to be hanging an ornament on that tree for you. I wish she didn’t have a reason to, but because you’re not here, it was another way to honor you and give your life and passing meaning.

Some of the ornaments we collected and you made through the years, the ornament we got for Lucas, in your memory, and the stocking that I hand made for your first Christmas.

The special ornament we ordered for you, our moon child.

Here we all are on Christmas morning after opening presents. I would have loved buying you an apron that matched your personality, and you would have loved receiving it. I know you’re proud of us.

Image may contain: Thom Karlowicz, Tonya Karlowicz, Lucas Karlowicz and Kristen Nichole Farmstead, people smiling, people standing and indoor

I almost forgot, and how could I? Lucas got me a most precious gift for Christmas – a sun and a moon necklace. It’s you and him, my world. He did good, didn’t he? I love you both so much.

Now we’re looking at 2020 – a whole new decade, without you. What would have been your 29th birthday is also coming up, and I’m honestly scared. I’m lucky to have so much support and I’m thankful that you’re watching out for me and encouraging me with your special gifts. Your dad is so comforting to me, quietly holding me when the tears come. There are no words that can be said that can dissolve the sadness. We’re all doing the best we can, but as Kahlil Gibran said, ‘it’s the absence of joy that brings sorrow.’ I am grateful to know such joy and delight, to know you. I will love you and miss you forever.

I love you to infinity and beyond!