My navigation through grief has brought me many blessings in the form of human and metaphysical connection, much softness in my empathy and compassion toward others, and much hardness in my steadfastness in boundary setting and keeping and willingness to speak my truth. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns of course; darkness precedes light, and I am likely somewhere in the pre-dawn/dawn stage. Where I am is unimportant though. What’s important is that I am here.
My search to live in my own truth and authenticity
Has been a timid one
First, I rebelled loudly
Not authentic
I turned my back on loved ones
Not authentic
Raged against previously set expectations
Not authentic
Choosing an identity like I chose outfits
Changing both often
Not authentic
Sacrificing myself repeatedly
Not authentic
No regrets
A beautiful sunset signaled an end
And the next sunrise
The gift of a new day
My firstborn son
Requiring me to stand
To find authenticity
No regrets
Through time
Focus blurs and sharpens
Go this way or that
Guided by outside influences
Wrong turns
Corrections
Over-corrections
Calm waters
Typhoons
Presence
Avoidance
No regrets
The darkest of nights
My firstborn crosses into the next realm
I’m lost
I wail from somewhere foreign to me
A deep crack in my soul’s core
Authentic
The mothers ahead of me hold me
Giving me space
Holding it and me
I take their hands
Their energy courses through me
My eyes look into theirs
Truth
Authenticity
My grief map
Offers a key and tools for understanding
My map belongs only to me
It is part of a larger map
The map to self
The fire of grief
Burns fear of authenticity
No longer time to hide
I am willingly and willfully standing
In my truth
My authentic self rising
No regrets
Belonging to a family
Does not require alignment of belief
Belonging to a family
Should guarantee unconditional love
No need to rebel or rage
I can love
Be authentically me
And be loved
Today
No regrets.
I had no plan of what to write when I sat down this afternoon. I’ve been acquiring tools for sometime now. I have crystals, candles, tarot, sage, oils, journals, books. I know about the power of meditation. I hold these tools for healing in sacredness in my mind. I read and learn more. I have been frustrated with my lack of action. It feels like a block, and deep down I know. These things, this belief, does not align with the teachings that were heaped on me through childhood and adolescence.
Yesterday I bought a book titled Prayers for Honoring Grief by Pixie Lighthorse at a local apothecary shop. The herbalist working at the shop led me to it. I opened it and used my tools this afternoon. The first prayer is for honoring awareness, using these words and phrases: overcome my fear, calm my uneasiness, soothe my desire to numb out, activate my miraculous systems for coping, untether me from my illusions of safe harbor, the earth anchors me, I didn’t come this far to abandon myself now. The whole prayer is included below. I think the abandonment of myself happened first, and my adulthood has been a steady return. The loss of Blake and the wave of grief forcefully dislodged any illusion for a need to pretend .
Page 7, Prayers of Honoring Grief by Pixie Lighthorse
I’m not exactly confident in my practices, but I’m willing to listen to my heart and tap into resources and Source. I used my crystals and set up a grid for awareness.
Beginnings are equal in importance to endings, just as light is equal in importance to darkness. The cycles are separate and intertwined, one grasping onto the next and the one that came before.
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ~ Kahlil Gibran
We’ve now made it through our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without you. I’d be lying if I said it was easy. Even though we haven’t celebrated holidays together since 2016, you always called, usually during dinner, to wish us some holiday joy. The absence of you brings me deep sorrow, because you brought me much delight.
During the week of Thanksgiving, Dad and I slipped away to Coos Bay to do some crabbing and fishing. Remember that we did the same thing last year? You were supposed to join us, but you decided that you needed to return to treatment. We were disappointed, but we understood and encouraged you to take care of yourself.
Addiction stole so much from you and from us, and has now stolen you permanently, erasing every hope and dream, every possibility. I do not walk this journey alone. There are multitudes of mothers figuring out how to be mothers of angel children taken from them by addiction. In some Facebook support groups, I see new mothers joining daily. The epidemic and the accumulation of pain is immeasurable.
Back to the crabbing/fishing trip….as soon as we got in the boat and left the dock, I retrieved my phone from my coat pocket. I wanted to see if I could find what has come to be your signature green orb. I scanned the waters, and nothing. I figured you must be busy elsewhere. Dad and I enjoyed a few days on the water, and I took lots of pictures. Almost every evening, we returned to our AirBnB, and enjoyed fresh seafood for dinner. It was a very low key trip because I was sick with a cold. We did go out for German food one night, and that was really good. We returned home on Wednesday to share Thanksgiving with Lucas and Kristen. As soon as we got home, I scrolled back through my pictures. Imagine my surprise and gratefulness when I saw your green orb in five of the pictures.
I never saw green orbs before you passed. The first one I saw was shown to me by your friend Greg. It showed up on some pictures that he took at your Celebration of Life. Since then, I’ve seen them fairly often, and I’m always filled with a sense of joy. I’ve done a little research, and this is what I found on Spiritual Unite’s website:
“Many orbs are said to represent beings on the spiritual plane – or spirits, as we might call them. However, most of these spirits will not have lived a human life, instead originating elsewhere in the universe. But the green orb, if it represents a spirit, is very likely to represent a human soul. This could be a deceased loved one if the place in which the orb was seen is a place of significance for that passed spirit. However, it could just as easily be a stranger – the soul of a human whom we have never met.“
I believe it’s you. Dad captured you yesterday with my new camera.
I really appreciate what you did last Sunday night after I delivered the first gift of the Purple Gift Project to a new friend for her husband. We talked for a couple of hours, sharing openly about how loving someone with a substance use disorder has impacted our lives. As soon as I got in my car to drive home, I called dad and shared about the interaction. I hung up as I entered our neighborhood, and the radio came on, playing “Calling All Angels” by Train. You were heavily on my mind as I sang the lyrics, “I need a sign to let me know you’re here….” As I entered our driveway, I noticed that the digital display, which usually gives the title and artist of the song the radio is playing, simply said, “Love You.” I was confused at first, thinking that’s not the name of this song, and then it hit me. You, my sweet boy, have game on the other side too. I was chuckling as dad came to the car to see if I needed help with anything. I had to show him, and of course, I had to take a picture. When I got in my car the next day, the display still said “Love You,” staying that way through three songs before reverting back to ‘normal.’
About the Purple Gift Project – I wanted to do something for the addiction/recovery community in your honor. I decided that I would put together a bag of things that I would normally put in your stocking and take it to Bend Treatment Center, the clinic where you received your medication when you lived here. When I talked with someone about this, they also wanted to participate. This filled me with such a sense of being seen and honored, and it occurred to me that other people might like to participate. With just a little outreach, I received sponsorships from six people. At 5am on Christmas Eve morning, McKenzie and I delivered a total of seven gift bags to patients of Bend Treatment Center. Some of them shared their stories, and all of them expressed their sympathy for your passing. I am excited to see how this grows and where the Purple Gift Project takes us. The PDF that I created to include in each gift bag was sent to Texas, Maryland, and California. I think it’s time for me to work on starting a non-profit.
This served so many purposes. It helped me get through Christmas, it kept your memory alive, and it helped people who are often intentionally ignored. McKenzie was a great partner, and you’d be proud that she’s doing well. I love being with people that were a part of your life because you can be the center of our conversations, and we can laugh or be sad together. You were and are so loved.
I was unsure if I would be able to find joy this Christmas. As the holidays neared, I didn’t really want to participate. The idea of getting our ornaments out seemed overwhelming. Those boxes full of all of our memories – I thought they would melt me. But, you know what? They didn’t. Of course I had some tears, but getting those ornaments out and placing them on the most beautiful tree that I think we’ve ever had, brought back many special memories. By the way, thank you for leading us right to that perfect tree in our immense forest. We worked as a family to decorate our tree, using nearly every ornament and adding some extra special ornaments in your memory. A counselor of yours also made an ornament in your honor and placed it on the Not One More Angel Tree in Simi Valley. She said that when you were in treatment, she told you she didn’t want to be hanging an ornament on that tree for you. I wish she didn’t have a reason to, but because you’re not here, it was another way to honor you and give your life and passing meaning.
Some of the ornaments we collected and you made through the years, the ornament we got for Lucas, in your memory, and the stocking that I hand made for your first Christmas.The special ornament we ordered for you, our moon child.I found this green orb on Etsy and ordered one for Dad and I and one for Lucas. I love it!
Here we all are on Christmas morning after opening presents. I would have loved buying you an apron that matched your personality, and you would have loved receiving it. I know you’re proud of us.
I almost forgot, and how could I? Lucas got me a most precious gift for Christmas – a sun and a moon necklace. It’s you and him, my world. He did good, didn’t he? I love you both so much.
Now we’re looking at 2020 – a whole new decade, without you. What would have been your 29th birthday is also coming up, and I’m honestly scared. I’m lucky to have so much support and I’m thankful that you’re watching out for me and encouraging me with your special gifts. Your dad is so comforting to me, quietly holding me when the tears come. There are no words that can be said that can dissolve the sadness. We’re all doing the best we can, but as Kahlil Gibran said, ‘it’s the absence of joy that brings sorrow.’ I am grateful to know such joy and delight, to know you. I will love you and miss you forever.
